Craigs Bad Joke Page*

One Liners......

Why is a bassoon better than an oboe?
The bassoon burns longer.

How do you get two piccolo players to play in unison?
Shoot one.

How do you fix a broken tuba?
With a tuba glue.

What's the difference between a bari sax and a chain saw?
a. Vibrato.
b. The exhaust.
c. The grip.

How can you tell that a kid on a playground is a trombonist's kid?
He can't swing and he complains about the slide.

What do you call someone who hangs around with musicians?
A drummer.

Why do clarinetists place their cases on the dashboard?
So they can park in handicapped spaces.

What is the definition of a half step?
Two oboes playing in unison.

How do you get an oboist to play A flat?
Take the batteries out of his electric tuner.

Why did the chicken cross the road?
To get away from the bassoon recital.

What do you call perfect pitch in an oboe?
In the dumpster without hitting the side.

What's the difference between a bassoon and a trampoline?
You take off your shoes to jump on the trampoline.

What's the difference between a saxophone and a vacuum cleaner?
You have to plug in the vacuum cleaner before it sucks.

What's the difference between trumpet players and government bonds?
Government bonds eventually mature and earn money.

What do you do to make a trombone sound like a french horn?
Put your hand in the bell and miss all the notes.

What's the difference between a horn player and a director?
Two measures.

How many drummers does it take to change a light bulb?
None. They have machines to do that now.

How many clarinetists does it take to change a light bulb?
Only one, but he'll go through a whole box of bulbs before he finds just the right one.

How many flute players does it take to change a light bulb?
--Five: One to change the bulb, one to pull the ladder out from under her, and three
to bitch about how much better they would have done it.

How many trumpet players does it take to change a light bulb?
None, because the world revolves around them!

How many trombone players does it take to change a light bulb?
Only one, but he'll spend half an hour trying to figure out what position he needs to be in.

How many saxophone players does it take to change a light bulb?
100 : one to hold the light bulb and 99 to drink until the room spins.

And...saving the worst for last


A priest and a horn player reach the gates of Heaven. The horn player is admitted, while the priest is not. "Why?" asks the bewildered priest. "When you preach, everybody falls asleep, whereas when the horn player is due, everybody prays !"

A band was performing Beethoven's Ninth Symphony in a park one afternoon, and it was so windy that the musicians had to tie their music to the stands. When the tubas finished playing their part in the first movement, they decided, since they had two movements of rests, to sneak off to the pub across the street. So they sat in the pub, downed a few, and listened to the orchestra. When they heard the pickups to their part they threw their money on the counter and stumbled into the street. They could barely keep from falling over as they ran to pick up their tubas, but even worse, they couldn't untie the music. They pulled and tugged, but the string was so tight that they fell over from the effort. Just then, the conductor looked back and thought, "Oh lord... it's the bottom of the ninth, the score is tied, and the basses are loaded!"